Flight Instructor -
Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan -
Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glide Distance -
Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider -
Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight -
1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").
2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, a bowling ball, and the groceries.
Hangar -
Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass -
Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Holding Pattern -
The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
Hotel -
The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.
Hydroplane -
An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.
IFR -
1. I Follow Roads
2. A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Jet-assisted Takeoff -
1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.
Junkers 52 -
A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Kilometer -
A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.
Lazy 8 -
1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log -
A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Magneto -
1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!"
2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode -
Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to
describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor -
A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Nanosecond -
Time delay built into the stall warning system.
National Airport -
Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation -
The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied -
An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh -
A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Parasitic Drag -
A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
Pilot -
A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch -
The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Pitot Tube -
On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash -
1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots.
2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."
Pylon -
All aboard!
Radar -
An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range -
Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger -
1. The most popular name in radio transmissions - followed by Dodger, Codger, Over & Out..
2. Used when you're not sure what else to say.
S-turn -
Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff -
A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S -
What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see
"Gross Weight").
Spoilers -
The Federal Aviation Administration.
Tactics -
What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing. An improperly tuned clock goes "Tock Tick" instead of "Tick Tock".
Taildragger -
1. An old pilot after a long flight.
2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind -
Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab -
1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load -
Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to
cargo weight.
Walkaround -
What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
Wilco -
Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock -
Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wing strut -
Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.